Fitting The Pieces Together

Working for TV

2008-12-12T17:39:00.002-05:00

So as I've said before: I work for the local cable company. While I'm constantly connected to the internet, I rarely watch TV (rarely compared to some/most) and I'm almost never on the phone. Sure I get these services for free, or next to nothing in the case of the phone service. But honestly, I watch six shows, four of which are on network television. Now these are quality shows (one of which is in danger of being cancelled... hang in there, Chuck.), but seriously? Three-hundred some channels and nothing that really pulls me in? No wonder it's hard to sell cable in this economy.

I don't blame my company. I know that most of what's out there is complete crap. And that's the networks faults, and the writers, and ultimately the viewers. Demand better TV.

(writer's note: I've recently been watching Current, which is cool, but I haven't watched it enough or been very aware of it long enough to be an avid watcher or fan)

MaxMalls

2008-12-11T19:00:00.004-05:00

I'm not one for promoting other people's sales sites but I came across this one and I was really impressed. They've made it as a one stop shop for a bunch of different online markets, some I knew about and some I did not. After looking it over, I realized that there were some really good deals and the site itself would be tailormade for comparison shopping (not to mention it's easier to remember one site than twenty). There's a link at the top of this blog (I liked it so much I'm advertising for them, how about that!) or you can click here. Give it a try and let me know what you think!

Sweet blessed new toys!

2008-12-11T14:22:00.001-05:00

So I've found Twitter and rediscovered Facebook. I'm slowly becoming addicted to social networking. Now if only one of my new friends can get me a job as a programming intern/apprentice! More later, I promise!

Last Quarter, This Quarter, And What The Fuck Did He Say?

2008-11-12T08:23:00.003-05:00

So I'm sitting in my C++ class. I've been here for twenty minutes and we haven't really started...you know...anything? And I'm trying to figure out what nationality my instructor is. Seriously. He's got an accent so thick you can spread it on a biscuit. But from what I understand this class will not be difficult (forget the size of the book and the fact that it reads like a car manual). I am, however, wondering what kind of compiler we'll be using, since he refuses to tell us. He's just kind of wandering around the class not really paying attention to the students. Whoo hoo?

In regard to my previous quarter, I passed with all A's.... 4.0 GPA with 13.0 Credit hours = 52 credits. Dean's list? Oh yeah baby!

Maybe that will be worth something when it comes time for Co-Op? Speaking of which, I need to get with my coordinator. I really REALLY need a new job. Like, yesterday.

Jenn crapped out on Patti and I, refusing to show using the lamest excuse (I have to take a shower? Come on!). To be fair, she really does need to have help taking a shower, so I guess I can excuse it. Raincheck. Bleh. So now I have to make other arrangements to get her to drop by the house. Yay me.

Okay. This class is pissing me off. I must go meditate...Grr. Ze Teach-air iz pizzing me offuh.

Web Dev Project 1

2008-09-30T19:42:00.003-04:00

Well, I finally got it done, or at least as much as I can do. I'm pretty happy with it. Even though I swore I would not use PhotoShop or any other such thing, I downloaded Paint.Net last night and played around with it, making buttons. As soon as I can figure out how to, I'll upload it to my site.

Oh yeah! I have a web site. If you didn't get here from there, the homepage is http://www.sainterthom.com/. This blog is also stealthlinked to blog.sainterthom.com so if that's easier to remember than "Fitting the Pieces Together" then use it!

I'm a bit worried about the little things in life, such as my marriage, my time with my family, and money. You know, small stuff. I can't wait for school to be over so that I can start working more on these things. I only hope Patti in her infinite patience will continue to support me.

She really is great. God love her.

P.S. So far, all A's ! Go me! And here's hoping for the Dean's List!

School, Work, and Missing My Best Friend

2008-09-12T23:28:00.003-04:00

So a whole lot is going on; I reckoned I should probably start updating this poor unloved thing for a change.

I started school the day after labor day, and while it has been a struggle, it has been worth it. Every day I get up at 6:30, leave at 7, arrive at school between 8 and 8:30, and am in class until 11:30. I arrive at work at 12:30, and work until 9. I come home, study, and start it all over again. So my time is a precious commodity that I plan on using some of it to update.

So school is going well, but then it has just started, not to mention that it is a two year journey for my Associates degree. I'm a bit worried, because I feel so much riding on this journey...But then a lot is, such as the hopes and dreams of my family. Here's hoping!

Work, on the other hand, has been going extremely well. I feel like I'm finally getting my groove, and I'll say that has something to do with the fake positivity that I more or less exude from my pores from the moment I come in every day. Even when I feel like snapping everyone's neck like so many dry twigs, I am chipper and happy and perky. I hate me.

My best friend left me. Well, not really left me, but took another job and I won't be seeing her every day. I'll miss you, Jenn Lewis, aka T-Rex, tho I think I'll cal you Jennasaurus from here out.

I've found a new...I don't want to use the word "obsession" because I realize how creepy that sounds, but hearing myself describe it really points in that direction. I heard a song the other day that I'd heard many times before; The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson. So I looked up the song, then looked up some lyrics. When working in Meebo, I saw she had a picture to use as a background, so I replaced my Gorillaz pic with it because I thought she was cute and it would do until Meebo updates their backgrounds. The more I saw her in the background the more haunting she seemed to me and the more comforting as well, as if she were a long lost friend. I'm pretty sure she reminds me of someone, just not sure who. So now I have her CD, and I must say it's pretty good for feminine indie pop. Not bad at all.

I don't have many opinions right now, as it's 12:14 am Saturday; I'm sure I'll find something to bitch about later so stay tuned (even if it IS just myself checking my non-existant traffic!)

And so it...begins?

2008-08-27T13:59:00.002-04:00

Yeah yeah, 1 post in 1 month. Pretty sad. I'm starting school soon, and I'm hoping to update more often but we'll see.

So, biggest news is I'm going to school. I start Tuesday, and I'll be going for SEP (Software Engineering and Programming). Here's hoping!

Another big announcment is that Big Ten Network and Time Warner finally reached an agreement. Unfortunately, this did not have as big an impact on me as I had hoped, but maybe we can start getting some money in from all those people who have satellite solely for Big 10. Again, here's hoping!

I really need to get back to the sales, but I wanted to update SOMETHING so it doesn't seem like I left this blog to die. If I have any coherent thoughts later, I'll share!

Back With A Vengeance?

2008-07-24T12:40:00.001-04:00

Probably not with a vengeance, per se, but maybe a Slightly Uneasy Feeling? New computer installed, working, et al. Stay tuned!

My eyes....Cannot...look....away!

2008-05-15T17:01:00.002-04:00

So I got my new computer with its shiny newness yesterday. I hooked it up last night and stared into its bright white glare, slackjawed and dumbfounded, until 3am.

I managed to install Far Cry on it. And I think I cried a bit.

Unfortunately it does not allow SLI. I guess in the next year I will have to buy a new MoBo. And the Dell guy screwed me but giving me the 32-bit version of Vista.

Other than that...quad core rocks. Hardcore. Seriously. And a 24 inch monitor that doubles as an HDTV? I want to have my system's babies.

Like, OMG, He Updated!

2008-05-12T07:11:00.002-04:00

Good news and bad news: Bad news is this isn't really an update, although I have one waiting in the wings.

Good news is that I get my new computer soon, and that'll mean easier access to the internet, so hopefully regular updates will be forthcoming. Hopefully.

In the meantime, go to www.punchanpie.net, click archives, and read. Read dammit. Read until your eyes bleed. Then thank GOD He put people like Aerie and Chris Daily on this Earth.

My OTHER Blog

2008-04-10T14:08:00.004-04:00

That's right, I've just started another blog. This one is sports related. It's my Lot D blog. Here is a copy of my most recent (aka only) post there so far:

It's not like me to do this, but welcome to my Lot D blog; now visit my other, more established blog, Fitting The Pieces Together, for a bit more about me and my past. I reckon I'll double post for a bit, although I haven't posted there in a while.

In the meantime, how about them Reds, eh? Cueto is phenomenal, I'm telling ya. I'm just hoping this isn't some kind of beginners luck. Harang isn't doing much worse, and the two of them with ERAs under 3.0 is outstanding. I guess I could say the Bronson is doing okay (an ERA of under 6 for him isn't horrible), but it hurts me to do so, because, frankly, I just don't like the guy.

Say what you want about our offense, but 5 of our boys have over .300 averages, (6 if you count both catchers, but only one can play at a time). Our problem isn't OBP, it's RBI. As in the past, we leave way too many runners stranded. I wonder if it wouldn't be a bad idea to change the batting order up a bit. I personally don't see the problem with going away from the power power power cleanup junk junk junk power junk mold and experimenting. Nothing wrong with it if it works. And as long as Dusty Baker is open to the press and lets them know that he's just trying to see what it takes to win games, Cincinnati would let him.

Ya hear me, Dusty?

Depression

2008-03-28T13:00:00.002-04:00

I don't know why, but the last few days I have been morbidly depressed. I've kept it to myself but today it just came to full fruition. I have no idea where it has come from, but I suspect it really is because I'm alone.

Granted, I have my family.

But my family isn't companionship, not really. I get home and Patti is maybe up for an hour with me, and I'm just trying to ramp down from work. By the time I'm ready to talk to her, she's asleep. Hanging out with Drew in the morning is okay, but it's more like babysitting than spending time with my boy (which is my own fault; I don't nearly pay enough attention to him).

I crave conversation and closeness, something that I don't always get at home, and something that work leaves me unfulfilled at as well. I guess really what I want is to be noticed, to be somebody to someone other than at home, but I consistantly put myself in situations where I am all alone. I'm quite the social butterfly at work most days but I never go out to have a beer with the boys or what have you. I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in. And I've always covered it up by saying "Well, they're nice guys but fuck 'em."

Why is that so frustrating? Why does it leave me feeling like I've left something in my life unsatisfied?

Why I Have Not Been Posting (aka, my computer sucks)

2008-03-27T20:37:00.002-04:00

So you know, I generally start a post (or a rough draft) at home, email it to myself, and finish it at work. A few weeks ago, my monitor at home died. I would use my laptop; however the laptop sucks, and posting is usually a spur-of-the-moment thing for me. So until I can get a replacement, please bear with me. We're looking at the end of April.

That aside: I'm exploring Christianity again, reading the Dexter books (and watching the Showtime series, since it's On Demand), and playing with my newly modded XBox (original, not 360). Wish me luck and send me money!

Stupor Tuesday

2008-03-06T14:05:00.005-05:00

I haven't bothered in a week, so it's time for a perfunctory update.

Stupor Tuesday has come and gone and I couldn't be more pissed. It's not because my candidate did not win the primaries I had hoped (because to be honest, I don't trust him any more or less than any other politician). It's because of the principle of primaries/caucauses and how they were treated this time round.

Rush Limbaugh is an asshat.

Rush Limbaugh also circumvents the democratic process.

Hardcore right-wing Republicans consistantly spout off about their moral compass, how they are the ones who truly understand right and wrong and that they are morally superior to Democrats, because Democrats are whiny baby heathens who relish in equality and not holier-than-thou superiority.

Listen, folks. I'm not a politician. I'm not politically inclined. I have not had my thumb on the pulse of the nation. But I have morals. I have standards. I might not be the "religious right" or the "loony left". I'm in the upper middle. But what Rush suggested (and hardcore Republicans delivered) is deplorable.

Voting against declared party lines in a primary with no intention to redelcare corrupts results. Yes, it is strategic. Yes, it is a very intelligent move. But it's also slimy, like most politics. To me, it's fixing the fight, coercing someone to take a fall for your own gain. It's a shame. It's my belief that if the Republicans had not crossed over, Obama would have won at least Texas, if not my own home state of Ohio. Sure, McCain would also have won. And I think Obama would ultimately have won the nomination (and that's still a possibility). Then it would be a fair fight between the two people America truly thinks should be leader. But instead, there is a shadow of doubt. Instead, it could just be McCain and the person McCain supporters think he might be able to beat. And if that is the case and McCain doesn't win, Republicans have no one to blame but themselves, regardless of what Limbaugh says.

My political rant on this subject ends here for now. And don't think I've given the Dems a break. There should be a post following soon on the misadventures of Barack Obama (the man all but admitted to doing coke, for God's sake!).

Until then, Ciao.

The Opiate of the Masses!

2008-02-28T13:23:00.002-05:00

God.

Not something I generally write much about. But today I feel inspired. My relationship with God (in any form, Bambi) has been...strained...since Amie died. I have not felt a particular closeness with the Judeo-Christian God, and have spent time researching other religions to find one that best suited my personal feelings. None existed. When people would ask me about my personal beliefs, I would skirt the issue or say that "God and I are fighting." I tried to reconnect with God shortly before I married, and again when my son was born. These forays into religion were generally short-lived.

Recently, I started reading a series that has me questioning my life choices again. The book is Ted Dekker's Circle Trilogy, or more specifically, the first book, Black. While the story is merely okay (I dig it, but I can see why some people haven't) and there are some definate plot holes, Dekker's imagery of the Garden of Eden-esque Colored Forest of Elyon is nothing short of amazing. The confusion that the minor characters of the Forest have with the main character's ideas of death, harm, and love are well fleshed and easy to understand. Dekker also does a superb job of communicating Elyon's love for his people. This is taken forgranted by most (although some may not see that), but the skeptic main character's introduction to Elyon's song sums up God's love for man very well. Without spoiling things, there is a part three-quarters through that had me questioning my relationship with God, having seen the relationship between Elyon and his world change, but strengthened as well.

Overall, a very interesting read...If you're not interested in Christian allegory, you may want to skip it (or smile your way past it), but if you're on the fence, it may have you asking yourself some questions about the nature of God and His Love.

One thing that I wonder about: after the Fall of Man, is it REALLY possible to have paradise again?

Aural Journey: Unavoidable

2008-02-23T11:23:00.005-05:00

"The Dance"

Garth Brooks

Looking back

On the memory of

The dance we shared

'Neath the stars above,

For a moment

All the world was right.

How could I have known

That you'd ever say goodbye?

And now

I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end,

The way it all would go.

Our lives

Are better left to chance.

I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss

The dance.

Holding you,

I held everything.

For a moment,

Wasn't I a king?
But if I'd only known

How the king would fall...

Hey, who's to say?

You know, I might have changed it all.

And now
I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end,
The way it all would go.
Our lives
Are better left to chance.
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss
The dance.

Yes, my life

Is better left to chance.

I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss

The dance.

If you know me, you know what this song is about. Unfortunately, my dance at that time was cut short, and I'm doing my best to find the rhythm again.

Gaming as Art: A Pipe Dream?

2008-02-18T13:15:00.005-05:00

There has been a fair amount of contention on the Net about video games as art over the last few years, so I figured I would throw in my two bits.

Gaming will not be recognized as art, unfortunately, at least not any time soon. Despite the strides made by some publishers and creation studios, this will not happen within the next decade. Why? Because for every Beyond Good and Evil, Ico, or Shadow of the Colossus, there is a Bratz, Deal or No Deal, or Kane and Lynch.

Let's face it, there are some games that are stunning in art direction, storyline, or gameplay. Ico, Okami, and Shadow of the Colossus are beautiful to look at. Beyond Good and Evil had an intriguing and well thought out story line. Geometry Wars (much like the classic Robotron) made the motions of the player zen-like. And then there are games like Barbie: Island Princess. Or ManHunt 2. Games that draw gamers in by liscense or by previous success or shock... There is nothing artistic about fishing with a unicorn; likewise there is nothing artsy about killing someone with a plastic bag (while interesting as a method of death for an enemy character, it serves no purpose to gameplay).

Unless the public embraces critically acclaimed games known for artistic development (such as BG&E or Okami) publishers will quietly release these types of games, if they are released at all. Publishers are taking less and less of a chance, releasing mash ups and sequels and liscenced crap out there. Why go for artistic expression and true innovation when you could just make money?

There is hope, however, and that hope lies in the Wii. As ambiguous as I feal about the Wii, no one can deny the sales boom it has had since release, and almost everyone I have talked to has said that playing one is fun (myself included, although I would forego the Wii for something more traditional, as I'm not the type of person to invite three people over just to play video games, especially when real bowling is cheaper). It may leave hardcore gamers out in the cold, but it has driven many new gamers out of their shells with its' innovativeness. Perhaps this will draw out some innovation from gamemakers for the "standard" consoles? Only time will tell.

Aural Journey: Who am I?

2008-02-18T12:14:00.003-05:00

"Building A Mystery"

Sarah McLachlan

You come out at night
That's when the energy comes
And the dark side's light
And the vampires roam
You strut your rasta wear
And your suicide poem
And a cross from a faith that died
Before Jesus came
You're building a mystery

You live in a church
Where you sleep with voodoo dolls
And you won't give up the search
For the ghosts in the halls
You wear sandals in the snow
And a smile that won't wash away
Can you look out the window
Without your shadow getting in the way?

You're so beautiful
With an edge and charm
but so careful
When I'm in your arms

Cause you're working
Building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you're working
Building a mystery
And choosing so carefully

You woke up screaming aloud
A prayer from your secret god
You feed off our fears
And hold back your tears, oh
Give us a tantrum
And a know it all grin
Just when we need one
When the evening's thin

You're a beautiful
A beautiful fucked up man
You're setting up your
Razor wire shrine

Cause you're working
Building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you're working
Building a mystery
And choosing so carefully

Ooh you're working
Building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you're working
Building a mystery
And choosing so carefully

Yeah you're working
Building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you're working
Building a mystery
And choosing so carefully

You're building a mystery

This song has been used more than once to describe me, especially in my Wicca-heavy days. So of course this would go on the Aural Journey. People who don't know me well (and some that do) are sometimes surprised by the things I say, both in audacity and insight, so they tend to think there's more going on up there. Here's a hint though: generally there isn't. I'm cynical now, and that has kind of made me an open book. Most of the time. My history, on the other hand...

Writers to Return to Work; Massive Power Outages as Millions of TVs Turn Back On

2008-02-15T13:06:00.003-05:00

Well... I know it's not that serious. But still, I'm excited that I can turn towards the TV without having to watch another half-baked reality or game show.

I just ran through Digg and came across something about the SAG and AMPTP, stating that Hollywood production will not start until these camps work out new agreements as well. As previously posted, I'm not thrilled with the movie industry right now with them raping my childhood and all, but by all means, I like my entertainment. Just as I start to wonder whether this is really a bad thing or not, I realize that strikes suck in all forms, and I'm hoping this does not drag out.

While looking over the Digg comments, some asshat (who I'm sure is really an upstanding guy) made a typical asshat comment that I had to put straight:

Great, they got their extra 3 cents or whatever. Shut the f'k up you stupid writers and start writing my favorite shows again. This non-sense has been going on long enough.

Oh and btw - it will take 3 months before you see any new episodes aired. so yea, thx again writers. how is your extra 3 cents? feel good? are you getting paid enough now? or do you want to cry more about how you still make more than 95% of the country.

To which I replied:

That's just funny. "I don't care about you as long as my entertainment is uninterupted". Look, I'm just as sick of Reality TV as you are, but the writers get shafted when it comes to DVD/IPOD sales and they (the studios) finally have made concessions. How would you like it if you got paid for every widget you sold but only if it's sold in WAL-MART. Keep in mind, you sell a ton at every grocerystore, hardware store, etc... That's what happened to the writers.

Granted, this isn't the most well worded response, but I was upset. The studios make plenty of money. The stars make plenty of money. The producers and directors make plenty of money. Writers? Not so much. Sure, they're part of big business, but writers can cycle through a show, to keep things fresh, whereas stars, directors, and producers generally reap the benefits. They get residuals. The best written script can turn a mediocre actor into a star. But if something is poorly written (unless it's a hollywood summer film) it generally doesn't do well, let alone get resold. And what is the industry's repayment for shows good enough to resell over the internet or as DVDs? Don't pay them, they weren't important in it's creation.

I'm glad an agreement was made. I just wish it was more so we can write quality shows and keep crap like American Idol off the air.

Aural Journey: Preserve Your Memories

2008-02-14T14:34:00.006-05:00

"Bookends"
Simon and Garfunkel

Time it was, oh what a time it was...
It was...
A time of innocence.
A time of confidences.

Long ago it must be...
I have a photograph.
Preserve your memories,
They're all that's left you.

This could sum up both of my major relationships before Patti. I've always loved this song because it's short, pretty, and to the point. Raise a glass to the past, friends!

How Schools Could Use Social Media

2008-02-13T13:11:00.003-05:00

I got this idea from chrisbrogan.com, under a post titled 100 Blog Topics I Hope YOU Write. So blame him.

I've actually thought about this on my own, but have never really explored it with anyone else.

Social media, in most forms, is kind of ridiculous now. Sure, I blog, you blog, we all blog. We all have Myspace pages and FaceBook accounts and so forth. But really, what good are they? Very few people, in my opinion, use them for anything, y'know, useful. Sure, you type out your thoughts or say hi to old high school buds, or maybe turn some chumps into vampires, but other than that, they're just narcissistic webtoys.

Ah, but the possibilities are there.

I mean, the best thing about Facebook is that it instantly puts you in the midst of all of your friends, recording everything they do and giving you an update on your personal homepage. Just using this example, a Facebook style social page could be created with schools in mind. Think of this: a school signs up for the service and pays a small fee (per school, not per student). An administrator or teacher (let's use an Algebra/Calculus teacher for an example) could document what books are being used for which classes, and post updates on which chapters or sections have been covered, completed, and moved past. A student at another school, which has also signed up for the service, happens to be using the same math book, covering the same topics, but has just a bit of problems with quadratic equations. So, he messages that classroom, where any of the students or the teacher can help him, take his questions, or share tips.

Sure, you're asking, why doesn't this kid just ask his teacher, or his classmates. This is where the internet shines: semi-anonymity. You'll never really know this kid if he never writes back, and there's no obligation for him to do so.

We can even scale this back a bit. In fact, the easiest way to do this kind of a project would be starting with only foreign language classes. A kid in German class here in America talks to a kid in English class out in Germany. They can message each other in their own languages, translate messages back, give tips, and in general make good friends.

Now we need to lobby the social media sites to make this happen. It might even be great press in lieu of all the "To Catch A Predators" I still see on TV.

Am I way off mark here?

Richard Brawner

2008-02-13T12:42:00.002-05:00

Unfortunately, a friend and co-worker was let go today. It really put my day into perspective, and I'm trying to concentrate more on my work than goofing off (for a change)... but he will be missed. He was a riot to work around, one of the only straight men (I think?) I've ever heard that knits, and kind of geeky like me. He did leave me with a nice parting gift: two Marvel mini-puzzles.

It's just a shame I didn't get a chance to say bye on his way out, as he was gone by the time I came in. So if you read this, Mister Brawner, drop a line my way. Godspeed to you, friend

Aural Journey: Wedded Bliss

2008-02-11T12:29:00.001-05:00

"That's The Beat Of A Heart"

The Warren Brothers (featuring Sara Evans)

Sometimes it's hard, you don't want to look over your shoulder
'Cause you don't want to remember where you've been
There'll come a time you'd die, if you could only hold her
'Cause I know that's where I am

[Chorus]

So listen with all your heart
Hold it inside forever
You may find all your dreams have already come true
Look inside and find the part that's leadin' you
('Cause) that's the beat of (a heart)

[End Chorus]

Sometimes you'll drown it out with all your rage and thunder
Sometimes you'll drown it out with all your tears
There'll come a time when you'll hear it, and you'll wonder
Where in the world have I been

(Repeat Chorus)

No one can tell you how to get there
It's a road you take all by yourself (all by yourself)

(Repeat Chorus)

Oh, it's the sweetest sound
('Cause) that's the beat of a heart

I'd be remiss if I didn't put this one in: it was Patti and my wedding song. I think it sums up our relationship. It may have been rocky, tumultuous, and otherwise not fun at times, but we take the time every once in a while to stop, to listen to each other, to share our heartbeats again. That's the most important thing we do, no matter how angry we may get at each other.

Kool-Aid: Oh, Yeah

2008-02-08T18:19:00.001-05:00

So I was talking with a friend of mine today and the subject of the Kool-Aid Man came up. It then occured to me that I hadn't seen the Kool-Aid Man in some time, aside from tidbits on Family Guy. There have been no commercials, no shorts, no snippets, nothing mentioning the Kool-Aid Man, as far as I could tell, in years.

That got me to thinking when the last time I saw a Kool-Aid commercial was. The last time I can remember was a few years ago, when I was a cable technician/contractor, working in Madisonville (which has a large black population). I would see commercials for Kool-Aid on shows like Steve Harvey and other UPN faire, as well as on BET. But they weren't Kool-Aid Man commercials, they were pandering. They were black commercials! Which doesn't bother me, what bothers me is that there are no "white" commercials.

Wait a sec, this can be misconstrued. What I'm trying to say is that it's a common stereotype that black people love the Kool-Aid and other punch style drinks. So instead of making a bunch of friends (of all racial backgrounds) drinking Kool-Aid, they restrict the race to sell product to a specific group of people. Wouldn't it make sense to make a non-racial commercial and broadcast it on a larger scope? And my friend wasn't incensed by this. He just shrugged his shoulders.

Wake up! It's racial oppression by the marketing department! It's pandering, it's wrong, and there's no need for it. Showing a commercial with mixed races isn't going to stop anyone (okay, maybe a select few, but who needs those bigots, anyways) from buying Kool-Aid! End corporate stereotypes!

Continuing the aural journey

2008-02-06T12:11:00.000-05:00

Okay, previously mentioned friend has now said that my list is inadequate, that I have too many songs. Perhaps, at the time, I just misunderstood what was asked. She is asking for a mix of ten songs, and I'm assuming they are defining songs. Never mind that she never submitted her own. So, I will do one better. I will post a song at a time, with lyrics, and why this is part of the soundtrack of my life. These posts will be tagged "soundtrack" so if you want to see all of my music posts, that's how to look. If I go over ten songs, oh fucking well. I've lived a lot for twenty-seven years.

"Too Bad"

Nickelback

Fathers hands were lined with dirt

From long days in the field

And mothers hands are serving meals

In a café on Main Street

With mouths to feed

Just trying to keep clothing on our backs

And all I hear about is

How it's so bad, it's so bad

[Chorus:]

It's too bad, it's too bad

Too late, so wrong, so long

It's too bad that we had no time to rewind

Let's walk, let's talk

Let's talk

[End Chorus]

You left without saying goodbye

Although I'm sure you tried

You call the house from time to time

To make sure we're alive

But you weren't there

Right when I needed you the most

And now I dream about it

How it's so bad, it's so bad

[Chorus x2]

Father's hands are lined with guilt

For tearing us apart

Guess it turned out in the end

Just look at where we are

We made it out, we still got clothing on our backs

And now I scream about it

How it's so bad, it's so bad

[Chorus x2]

Long time, let's walk, let's talk

~Fin~

Pretty obvious that this is my relationship with my father. I can count on my fingers the number of times I've spoken to him, most recently about four years ago, when Drew was about six months. Again I was led to believe that I might have a relationship with him... I had embittered myself against him and Patti talked me into calling him. We had a good two hour conversation, and he never answered or returned my call again. So I've given up, put up my wall, whatever. This is why I try to be the best dad I can be to Drew; I'm showing my own father up!

My music: an aural journey of taste

2008-02-04T12:19:00.000-05:00

Someone has asked me recently what my all-time play list would be. I put some thought in it and have come up with a list. These songs don't define me (well, some do) but they are songs that have found their way into all of my playlists, songs that I have listened to regularly without tire.

Scarborough Fair/Canticle ~ Simon and Garfunkel
Thick as a Brick ~ Jethro Tull
Slide ~ Goo Goo Dolls
Don't Fear the Reaper ~ Blue Oyster Cult
32 Flavors ~ Ani DiFranco
Dear Mama ~ Tupac Shakur
Connection ~ Elastica
For What it's Worth ~ Buffalo Springfield
Amie ~ Pure Prairie League
Where Do I Begin? (*sans lyrics, it's the theme to Love Story*) ~ Andy Williams
Sober ~ Tool
If You Could Only See ~ Tonic
One Year of Love ~ Queen
Amen ~ Paula Cole
Broken ~ Seether w/ Amy Lee
So Cold ~ Breaking Benjamin
Saving Grace ~ Everlast
Hero ~ Chad Kroger w/ Josey Scott
Beat of a Heart ~ The Warren Brothers w/ Sara Evans
One Boy, One Girl ~ Colin Raye
Love, Me ~ Colin Raye
Days Go By ~ Dirty Vegas
Kiss from a Rose ~ Seal
Building a Mystery ~ Sarah McLachlan
Vole ~ Celine Dion (please, don't ask. It's personal)
Everlong ~ Foo Fighters
Iris ~ Goo Goo Dolls
One Headlight ~ The Wallflowers
Same Old Lang Syne ~ Dan Fogelburg
Boys of Summer ~ Don Henley
The Scientist ~ Coldplay
Til You Love Me ~ Reba McEntire
The Remedy ~ Jason Mraz
Walking In Memphis ~ Marc Cohn

That should do...for now. Probably a narrower list later.

On Political Nonsense

2008-01-30T14:45:00.001-05:00

Yeah... so I just had an arguement with a coworker about how she said she would vote for Monica Lewinsky's Ex-Boyfriend's Wife over Obama because Clinton's website is better looking than Obama's. Why does that seem like it's missing the point? Oh yeah, that's right: because it FUCKING IS.

That's just retardism at its finest. This is just an updated way of getting all of your political information from political ads.

I think we should live where EVERYONE governs, whether they want to or not. Short terms, and any issue would be put to public vote. (News flash for those who didn't know: this is NOT democracy, it's a democratic republic) Politics, especially bi-partisan (which I know we are not technically, because there are more than two parties, but who are you kidding if you think there are more than two important parties?), is stupid at best, useless at worst.

And for any interested parties: I am a Libertarian. Unfortunately, there are not enough out there to have a viable candidate. (Editor's note: Okay, there are. But he's running Republican and has a snowball's chance of making it. So there. Stop emailing me about it already!)

LTNS?

2008-01-30T11:53:00.000-05:00

Okay, first things first. Hi Greg! Greg felt a little down that I hadn't included him in my blog yet, and so I want to say hi to him before the follows through with his threats of violence and misery. Hi. I know you feel underappreciated at work, Greg, but I think you're doing a great job. Hang in there, kiddo!

So I haven't updated in a week. Probably because nothing much happened over the week. Drew was gone for the week, and Patti and I had "no kid" sex, which is always awesome. Nothing interesting happened, except, you know, my car started bleeding antifreeze. This happened on Martin Luther King day. On Saturday, my stepdad came out to help me (he figured it was the water pump). Six hours later, we finally got the water pump off (we had some problems removing the fan clutch from the pump shaft...ha ha ha, he said pump shaft). Switched it out, got the gaskets on, and started putting it back together. Please note, I did not say test it.

In the process of retightening the alternator belt, my stepdad put a bit too much torque on, and cracked the alternator housing. So he quits for the day. Sunday he comes back, $150 poorer, and we get the new alternator on. Get everything on and installed and tight, fill up the radiator and...it's bleeding again! Fourty-five minutes later, we still can't find the origin, so we take it back apart (this takes an hour or so). Still a problem. So we take off the water pump (which we figure CAN'T be the problem since it's brand new) and damned if there's not a rip in the gasket.

Replace that, put everything back together (carefully this time)...and the car won't start. Dead battery. Just great.

Well, today I'm running in my van. Got the battery juiced...hopefully it will stay that way. I might need a jump so any work people reading this, be prepared!

Blame it on the rain...yeah, yeah!

2008-01-22T12:15:00.000-05:00

As a follow-up to my completely craptastic day, please welcome my completely craptastic weekend!

Actually, until Sunday afternoon, it wasn't that bad. Saturday I hung out with my boy and taught him how to play Go Fish!, which was fun...Then the trouble started. Patti went to a friends house for the evening and when she came home around midnight or so she was complaining that her arm felt "heavy". No numbness, no tingling, just "heavy". She shrugged it off and went to lay down, and complained about her chest burning, which induced a panic attack and she was short breath. Concerned, we went to the emergency room, where the E.R. doc said that her ticker was fine but she may have an issue with her gall bladder... we'll see.

Sunday, we just hung out at home in our PJs. Patti fell asleep for a long nap on the couch while I played with Drew. Nothing special happened save getting Drew ready for his trip to Nana's Monday. At about 9:30 I got a call from Lanai telling me that our writing group was cancelled, so I shut down the laptop and went to the desktop for some serious gaming. All was well.

Monday, however, sucked. Because the writing group was cancelled, I went with Patti and Drew to meet up with Nana. The trips themselves were uneventful. I was told as we were pulling into the driveway to start up my van to make sure it starts. It didn't. Got a jump from Patti, and drove it around the block. That was when I noticed just how badley it was leaking this brown fluid. Ugh. I was able to detemine that it's not coming from the radiator, which I didn't expect anyway since it's new. So now it's up to me to determine if it is the pump or what... Guess I have to do that sometime this week. This means I am in my grandfather's old Volvo. And while it's not a bad car, it's still my grandfather's.

I am proud of one thing from this weekend: I taught my son the importance of a handshake. I made a promise to him and kept it based on a handshake. Of course now whenever we say anything he wants us to shake hands so... I may have created a monster.

Completely craptastic day

2008-01-17T12:28:00.000-05:00

(Editor's Note: this was written yesterday, not today. And I've given up on it)

Oi. I think I can finally settle down.

The boy just would not stop today. It took him forty-five minutes to get dressed, and I had an appointment I had to keep. Finally got him dressed, got everything I needed, and got out the door, and he would not let me leave the daycare. So that's another twenty minutes. I was trying to get to the bank to withdraw cash to make a payment before this company did an automatic withdraw, and somewhere between getting the cash and getting to the place, they did the withdraw. So I made it back to the bank. Okay, fine. This just made me late for work.

During this time I realize my brakes are about shot. And we have NO money to fix them. Not to mention my landlord is completely ticked at me for things like late rent and not putting my ladders away (where the HELL am I going to put them?). I was so proud of myself last night, coming up with a budget that we can actually follow, but damned if that won't work now.

Darkness Becomes...

2008-01-16T13:56:00.000-05:00

Okay, I promised a post about darkness, and so here it is:

Sometimes, completely out of the blue, I start to see the world as a dirty, gritty place. It happened the other day: I was driving to work and I noticed just how much grime covered the world. It's almost as if I blink, and a layer of ugly settles down. I feel like this might be the real world and the rest of the time my blinders are on to the world. If you've ever seen the movie (or played the game) Silent Hill, that's kind of what I mean.

Between that and the continually freaky dreams I've always had, it's enough to set my teeth on edge for the next ten years.

Dream example: I have had dreams where my family (or myself) were zombies or infected with some kind of decimating and highly-communicable disease. I have had dreams about apocalypse (although I don't believe in end times, at least, not in a biblical sense). I have had dreams about monstrosities let loose upon humanity. I have dreamt of painful, fictional death scenarios (my "favorite" or at least the one I deem most interesting, is a case where someone started sloughing off their molecules).

I have no idea where these are coming from. I don't relish them (although I will say that long after the initial shock wears off, I will reflect on them, because they are interesting, and in many cases would make great horror novels). But part of me, because they are interesting, would miss them.

Maybe I should just lay off the horror movies and comics. And no more spicy food before bed!

By request: a particular dream. Let me preface this with two statements. First, zombies scare the daylights out of me. The thought of a chain reaction/infection makes me shake. Second, I love being scared. Shortly after reading Marvel Zombies and 30 Days of Night (the comics, not the movie, of course), I had a thought somewhere in between sleep and lucidity. What about Drew? What would happen if Drew was a zombie? Would we try to cure him? Would we destroy him to prevent the possibility of contamination, not only to ourselves, but to those we might then infect? And, to my horror, I knew I would destroy him. The greater good. I cried at that decision, as hypothetical as it is, but I was horrified at the ease in which I came to it. In fact, for a few nights, I was afraid to fall asleep. I was thinking that, logically, the most intelligent thing to do to spread a plague of that nature would be to infect the children. I mean, honestly, if 100 children in the world were infected with a "28 Days Later" or "Dawn of the Dead" type of disease, not only would it spread quickly to other kids because of their inability to comprehend what was going on, but also because parents would be remiss to sacrifice their children. And that bothers me. Actually, the horror is realized both ways.

I also spent a good part of one of my last days at my old job not being able to shake the thought of Drew severely (mortally) injured or ill, spending his time/life in a hospital. I still get distraught over this: many parents have to live this every day, and their children must be miserable. What if Drew could not play? I'm actually tearing up thinking about it. As rambunctious as he is, what if he could not get out of bed? What if he could no longer get so excited about Spider-Man, or not be able to ask for his "huggy kissies?"

Okay. Thanks, Lanai. I'm crying now. I might revisit this, but don't expect that anytime soon.

Errata

2008-01-16T12:42:00.000-05:00

The link I meant to post on yesterdays blog is truthofthespoon.net, not thereisnospoon.com . And don't misunderstand. I have talked with the webmaster of this site and he is a genuinely nice guy. His beliefs are entirely possible and I do not disbelieve them, but I'm not a "follower" of his either. If you visit his site, keep an open mind, and understand that even if you don't believe his particular story, part of what he wants everyone to do is to become self-aware. I think that is the greatest thing about the the Matrix movies: if you look at it, philosophically, it asks you to wake up from your daily drudgeries and think for yourself.

Bonus for my novel-writing friends: check out David Louis Edelman's newest post about novel-writing. He's the only person I know personally that has had a novel published, so I guess he has room to talk!

Odd bits of pseudo-science geekery

2008-01-15T12:03:00.000-05:00

Thinking in the car today about some random science things that I wish I knew more about.

I'm a firm believer in a multi-verse. I believe that every point on any timeline has branches and that those branches are divided by the infinite number of decisions one can make at that time. This can make for interesting possibilities; imagine a world where Hitler never existed? Imagine, perhaps, a world where Caesar was never murdered? How about if Mohammed or Jesus or Siddhārtha Gautama (Buddha) was never born? Thinking about the possible repercussions of this is mind boggling, but let's kick it up a notch: what if humans never evolved? What if the homo neanderthalensis won out the species lottery instead of homo sapiens (which, in my opinion, should have happened as, at the time, they were evolutionarily superior)? What if whatever killed the dinosaurs never did so?

The mind can boggle. The sheer scope of these possibilities makes for an argument against itself. How could all of these things be true somewhere, somehow, and yet my consciousness is stuck here in the life of the mundane?

But it might not be too long before these thoughts become proven (or disproven). Dr. Laura Mersini-Houghton believes it to be true, and that woman is a lot smarter than I am. Reading some of her research, terms like braneworlds, M-theory, dark energy, and Kaluza-Klein theory just whiz by (I provided only wikipedia links, because, well, I'm lazy, not because they are definitive). They make my brain hurt, but are fascinating at least, and provide feelings within my inner geek which leave me exhausted.

I have heard of people taking this concept to the extreme, people like the webmaster of Thereisnospoon.com, who believes that he is the Neo from the world that was depicted in The Matrix, or the original John Titor... I can't say it's not true, because it's entirely possible, if not probable.

These are the kinds of things I sit and think about when no one is around. Sometimes.

Speaking of what I think about when no one is around, I shock myself regularly with my darkness sometimes. More on this later, as I have to work. Will update this post around lunchtime, I promise!

Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a...guy with his laptop?!

2008-01-14T12:35:00.000-05:00

So yeah...

A friend of mine, who knows what a COMPLETE dork I am, got me a sweet gift the other day. He signed me up for a Marvel.com subscription to their digital comic service. I spent most of the weekend reading the Ultimate universe and watching really good football (the Colts were cheated!). This hopefully will work out in my favor; the Ultimate Spider-Man series is written a bit younger than the rest of them, and they might be just enough to really kick-start Drew into reading. By the time I was his age, I was reading, and I was expecting the same thing of him by now. So I enticed him. I let him sit on my lap while holding the laptop and watched him, starry-eyed, staring at the artwork. I told him we need to work on getting him to read so he can read these himself, and he just nodded, enthralled. Comics may not be a "viable medium" but if they help me get my kid interested in reading and art, I'm all for them.

So, I was thinking the other day about why I like comics, and Spider-Man in particular (why do you think Drew loves Spidey so much? His daddy does!), and I think I figured it out. Aside from being something I was close to in my teenage years (I originally recieved over two-hundred comics, mainly Spider-Man, from the seventies when I was about thirteen years old; prior to this my relationship with comics was null), I love the stories. I am an escapist who loves a good story, and anything that can take me away for a few hours is welcome in my life, be it a book, a movie, a video game, or a comic book. Spider-Man, in particular, is easy to relate to. Not only can he do "whatever a spider can", he has money issues. He has life issues. And he was the first superhero that gave an explanation as to why he wears a mask, why he has a secret identity. It was the first book to ever make me say, "Man, I'm glad I'm not a superhero. I'm glad I'm not him."

Went shooting with my brother-in-law and his father-in-law. I don't own any guns personally; Patti won't let me, and we can't afford them anyway. Because of this, my shot is a bit off, which stinks, because at one time I carried the rifleman and marksman medals. But I got to shoot, and I shot everything they had iron-sighted and didn't do too horribly. Best with the 30.06, but iron-sighting that thing is a pain. Straight trajectory at 100 yards but a hell of a learning curve. Once I got the hang of it, I couldn't help but feel like the main character in Ted Dekker's book, Saint. It was a good couple of hours.

Also wrote some this weekend for the express purpose of giving it to a writing group I'm trying to join, but my work computer won't accept my flash drive...Looks like I'm going to have to email it to myself. Loads'a fun.

Alright; I reckon I should try to get some work done. Probably update at lunch but who knows.

Till then, ciao!

Victory...Shall be mine!

2008-01-11T13:14:00.000-05:00

As much as I didn't want to work yesterday, I emerged as floor leader (actually, behind one person whose numbers are unattainable 99% of the time anyway). Nice to make an extra $100 on top of my salary.

It was hard to keep my focus yesterday. I kept wanting to update my blog and surf the web (which is becoming increasingly difficult to resist) but the customers we've been calling have not been receptive to new services. The Christmas boom is over, it seems.

I got a chance to see Senator Obama on the Tyra show this morning. It was hilarious to see him there, because as much as he seemed to want to stay on topic, Tyra kept wanting to do some goofball things. She actually got him to play basketball with her. I resented her for doing this: the man has a hard enough time facing down the political genius that is Hilary (say what you want, that chick is smart about manipulating the constituants), let alone facing down stereotypes and trying to remain an intelligent candidate in the public eye. I'm really not sure who I am going to vote for, but I reckon it might just be him, Koran be damned. I know one thing: I won't be voting for Guiliani or McCain. Is Nader running again this year? I'd like to throw my vote in the toilet!

That being said: Bi-partisan politics are stupid.

Now, since I can't think of anything interesting to write about, I am listing one-liner suggestions for the bored, complete with links.

Oooh: interesting info I stumbled upon this morning which is in response to this post on EBay. I say, rock on, man, especially after having read the entire auction, not just the "news" story (which is important, otherwise things are misconstrued).

Excellent homebrew freeware game that has been taking up most of my time: Cave Story. It is wickedly evil in its awesomeness.

Best "history of video games" book I've read so far (and am still currently reading): Steven L. Kent's The Ultimate History of Video Games.

Oh, yeah.... anyone else tired of the Writer's strike? I hate reality shows for the most part, and I'm not a fan of most game shows.... I miss Grey's Anatomy, Heroes, and Chuck! Bring them back, please! I'll give you 5 bucks for every season I legitimately buy on DVD , I swear! But I guess it's brought Patti and I together; we watch more of "her shows" with each other now. Someone find me some good replacement web content!

Also, I'm broke and have no idea how I'm making rent this month. That being said (and I know I'm not supposed to ask this but...) tell your friends about my blog so that maybe I can make some money on the AdSense views (or click-throughs...God, that'd be nice...!)

All for now, more later!

Today's randomness: Kids do the darnedest, with bonus content!

2008-01-10T12:47:00.000-05:00

I work second shift. I generally get home around 9:30-ish, and Drew goes to bed at 8. Because of this, I keep Drew with me during the mornings until around 11am, even though we have to pay his daycare the same amount if he's there four hours or ten. Now, I never claimed to be a good father; in fact, I would rate myself to be mediocre at best. But this does give me a chance to hang out with him and watch cartoons, play games, tickle and wrestle, whatever. I have a lot of fun with him in the mornings, and despite my wife's grumblings about not seeing me as much as she'd like and how I'd rather play with Drew than clean (and who wouldn't!), I'm happy with the arrangement.

So, yesterday was my wife's birthday (happy birthday, baby!). Drew and I cleaned the house (sort of) and left early, headed to Wal-mart to get my wife some cards and maybe some flowers (hey, it's not that I'm cheap, it's that I'm poor!). On the way, I decided that maybe she'd appreciate some Starbucks instead, being an avid coffee drinker, so I pulled a U-ie and went to the brand spanking new Super Duper Justice League Kroger, complete with a Starbucks inside, as strange as that is. We got our cards and stepped up to the barista to get our coffee. Being 10:45 on a Wednesday, the store was pretty empty, and my talkative son decided to tell the barista that this is for his mom's birthday, which prompted said barista to scribble happy birthday messages all over the paper cups. While waiting for her to stop good-naturedly wasting my time, a woman stands behind us in the queue.

Something about my son: he talks. And talks. Incessantly. Like any four year old. And I love him. But he generally talks about his favorite movies, which right now is Spider-Man and Transformers. So my son, who had been quiet since telling the "coffee-lady" about today's specialness, starts to talk about Spider-Man, and I do the usual "Uh huh, yeah, I know, I've seen it about a million times too" routine, when I hear someone respond to him. The woman behind us was wearing a red quilted style coat with black stitching. Apparently, Drew had called this woman Missus Spider-Man, and this apparently tickled her funny bone. She played along really well, saying that she would love to show her how to shoot webs and climb walls but unfortunately Peter Parker was expecting lunch and that she really was in a hurry. I tried hard not to laugh out loud.

We got back to my van and signed our cards (Drew does a very good job with his name, save for the fact that he signs it "Anbrew", and can write almost anything if you feed him what letter comes next). I dropped him off and headed back to Patti's office to drop off the cards, the coffee, and Drew's stuffed Webkinz monkey, Bobo. Patti and I talked for a minute and I went on to work.

A few things happened at work that are worth noting:

Somehow, Richard, Kevin, and I got into the discussion of new movies coming out within the next few years. Richard was looking at a trailer for G.I. Joe and showed it to me, and good lord, it was awful. Of course I had to find out more info and I learned that this is just a fan vid, but I also learned that, hot on the heels of Transformers, there will be a live-action G.I. Joe movie. This started the discussion, which started some research on my end. There are countless 70-s and 80-s properties being remade, released, or adapted to live action, including:

Kit Kittridge: An American Girl (This was a line of dolls stretching back to the 30s, and what cheeses me off about this is that Kit is from Cincinnati, and apparently is a reporter for the nonexistent Cincinnati Register, when I'm sure the Cincinnati Enquirer would have loved the publicity...not to mention it's being filmed in Ontario, not Cincinnati)

Speed Racer (Which looks God-awful, IMO, and came from The Wachowski Brothers of all people)

Thundercats

Horton Hears A Who

Dragonball

Where the Wild Things Are

Hellraiser

Death Race

And the one that bothers me the most: Smurfs It took me over 20 years to get the theme song out of my head, and now I'm going to have to relive it? Shoot me now.

And this is just for 2008. There's more drivel in 09 and 10. Looking over the next few years in film, I'm sad. Has Hollywood run out of innovation? I understand that most movies in the same genre are essentially carbon copies of each other, with a smattering of good writing thrown in sometimes and different character development, but a sequel, even when extremely good, is a clone upon clones. Can we get some originality, people?

I also found out that, according to some of our customers, satellite companies are offering extremely low prices, and possibly without contracts? When did this start? I'm a cable fan myself, and not just because I work for the cable company. I've had satellite and I was not impressed with the contracts, or the hit-and-miss reception, or the cruddy customer service. And I realize that we have customers that say the same thing about us. But one of the biggest caveats we held was that we offered competitive rates, and no contracts, and no weather-based reception in most cases. Without contracts and with extremely underpriced service (not to mention NFL Network and Big Ten) now being associated with dish companies, I'm wondering about the status of my job as a salesman. I guess I have some security in the fact that they lie bigtime about their HD services, but then the average consumer doesn't usually realize this.

Can't I just have some job security?

That's all for now. If I post anymore, I'll probably just edit this one, so check back!

A little about me, Part II...

2008-01-09T12:26:00.000-05:00

I was going to start with daily observations today, but a friend of mine threatened to rip off my extremeties and feed them to her children if I didn't do some more on this so:

I was married on January 4th of 1999, and at the time I did not tell my mom or stepdad. I spent most of my time on leave with my new wife, but I did go back to my parents house on some of those nights. During those times I would stick my wedding ring in my pocket and would not take it out until I left for the day. During my leave we got a decent snow (about a foot, maybe more), and the day before I left for my duty station I came home to spend my last day with my parents. I reached into my pocket for my key and my wedding ring dropped under the back porch deck. I spent an hour trying to find it with no luck. I ended up leaving it there on January 8th.

Even with this, I didn't tell my mom face to face about my marital status change. I didn't mention it until I was in Bahrain (where the Navy mistakenly sent me to meet up with my ship; funnily enough, they thought I was going to the USS Blue Ridge, and I was really supposed to report to the USS Kitty Hawk which was already in Yokosuka). I spent a decent amount of money at an internet cafe and asked my mom one day to look for my ring after the snow melted. Needless to say, she wasn't thrilled, but more at the secrecy than the actual marriage.

From Bahrain, the Navy finally got their act together and sent me to my ship. I arrived in Yokosuka and immediately began to make friends with sailors from other ships. I had a good time and tried hard to keep in touch with my family. Then our first underway period came around and I realized how hard the Navy works. I was working sixteen hour days, seven days a week for a month and a half at a time. I was lonely, exhausted, and bored, and I could not get to the computer as often as I'd like to email my new wife.

Our relationship was strained and my relationship with my command even more so; even though I had a job description, the nature of my orders had nothing to do with it. I was in a special command apart from the normal ship's command, and I was not doing the jobs I was trained to do; rather, I was basically a steward or a waiter for the admiral's kitchen staff, something usually reserved for new recruits for a three month stint. There was a good possibility that I would get no on-the-job training, and therefore be underprepared for promotion testing. I resented my command for this (they requested my rate specifically and had been petitioned before for asking for the wrong rate to begin with). I also found out quickly that until I got promoted, I would not be able to bring my wife overseas under a command sponsorship (read: cheaply), which meant that if she wanted to come over, we would have to pay over $1000 a month for a 500 sq. ft. apartment, and her chance of getting a job would be nil.

I started to become sullen and hostile, and at one point got into an altercation with someone of slightly higher rank. I did not like this gentleman because he had went AWOL for the maximum amount of time, but somehow got away with it with minimal consequence. One day while out to sea he impeded me in the course of my job, and so I worked around him and then moved past him forcefully, resulting in a fight (more like a wrestling match) that our superiors had to break up. Again, this gentleman got off with only a warning. I, however, was sent back to base for "retraining", a program called Correctional Custody. This was much like boot camp all over again, with most personal freedoms and liberties restricted. However, I overcame this and was a model sailor during that time. As my ship was still out to sea for another month when I finished, I was granted a few weeks leave instead of waiting the whole time doing minimal jobs on base.

The second week of August, I left for 14 days leave. Amie and I made arrangements to take a small honeymoon to Gatlinburg, and we had the time of our lives. The two weeks flew by and I returned to my command in much better spirits and with the attitude of a lifer; I knew I could make rank if I worked hard enough, and as a bonus, it was revealed that people that did well in my command would get their choice of duty stations to pick from. I talked it over with Amie shortly after returning and she started looking at the housing market in Jacksonville and Pensecola Florida.

Things went really well the next few months. We went out to sea again in late October for a short cruise, one exercise that was to last a month or so. Halloween came and everyone had a pretty good time, and since I worked for a mess kitchen, we were busy with "trick or treaters", as we had access to things others did not. It was all in all a fun day. I wrote an email to Amie and the rest of my family and went to bed tired, but happy.

The next morning, I was put on dishes. Everyone seemed really quiet and subdued, but I was a few minutes late getting to my station and I figured I was going to be reamed and everyone knew it. I continued working, nervous about getting into trouble, and dropped an expensive crystal goblet. As I was sweeping up the mess, I said "Today is going to be a bad day." Within five minutes, a chaplain appeared.

Chaplains show up at your workstation for one thing: death or injury in the family. He asked for me by name and I remember being numb as he escorted me to his office, three decks below mine. I knew what was coming and the first thing out of my mouth was "Who is it?" I was expecting to hear that maybe my grandfather passed away of a heart attack or something similar. He didn't pull any punches and told me that a few hours ago, Amie had passed away in a car accident. I don't remember exactly what happened after that, but I was told that I started running to the rear of the ship and was stopped and carried back by the chaplain. I do remember packing my stuff and getting ready for my trip home.

I'm not proud of my behavior shortly after Amie's death. I remember not sleeping for a few days, and passing out on the couch directly after her funeral. I also remember spending a lot of time online trying to pass the time, talking with friends of my mom's in her regular chatroom. I started talking to one person in particular, Tava, because she was always online and always had time to listen. Over the month I was home, we became particularly close.

When I went back to command, my work ethic suffered. I really didn't want to be there, and I wasn't really working toward any goal. As much as I loved Japan, and in spite of the many friends I had there, I felt alone and isolated. One day, when one of my subordinates started playing the dozens with me (capping, blasting, whatever), he crossed the line and did a "your wife is so fat" joke. I picked him up by his neck until someone pulled me off him. This went back to my Commanding Officer, who, while sympathetic, suspected that maybe it was time for me to go back home. When asked "Do you want to be in the Navy anymore?" I responded with a resounding "I don't care. I guess I have to work somewhere, don't I?" Needless to say, this did nothing to impress, and I was soon filed on charges of assault (probably rightfully so) and sent home a few months later with a General under Other.

I did not want to move back home. I did not get along particularly well with my mother, so I moved in with Tava, and a relationship started, partially out of loneliness, partially out of convenience. I got a few odd jobs before landing with a collection agency as a skip tracer. It was here, nearly a year after Amie died, that I met Patti.

The first thing I thought when I saw her was how pretty she was. The second thing was that it was probably time to end things with Tava, as it would never go anywhere. The third thing was "What are you doing next Friday?", which actually came out of my mouth. She accepted a date. I was still living with Tava. What a world.

I broached the topic of breaking up with Tava carefully, but there were tears in the end. I don't really understand why, since it turns out she was cheating on me with one of her friends. I packed my stuff on a Wednesday, and dated Patti on Friday. That date lasted 50+ hours. We worked together, and when I was let go (for IMing her too much on company time) she followed me to my new job. We got married two years later, and had a son a year after that.

Shortly after having Drew, we moved down to Kentucky to stay on her mom and dad's property, under the auspice of her going to school while I worked. Things didn't work out that way, but we were okay down there; I loved being out in the country and was looking forward to raising Drew with a big yard for him to play in, and being close to his grandparents. Then I got an email that changed my life.

Jennie had mailed me. She had done so sporadically over the past few years, but they were one-way emails, that never really evolved into a conversation. This time, she said that she wanted and needed to talk. So I wrote back. Originally, we both had every intention of being friends. Within a few weeks, however, we went back into the old habits, and started to fall in love. I became moody at home, and longing for the grass on the other side. I don't remember how the subject was broached, but Patti found out I was considering leaving her, and she took Drew and stayed with her brother for a few days. Patti told my mom about what I was thinking of doing, and she effectively put a stop to it by telling Jennie that she would never be welcome. Jennie then told me that she would not go through that and vanished, more or less. I was still very sullen for a few days, but Patti did come back, showing more strength and grace than I would have thought possible. She has stuck by me through all of my transgressions and done so with poise. I love her.

We moved back to Ohio shortly after, and I have not spoken meaningfully with Jennie since. I became a contractor for my cable company and eventually (recently) got hired on with them directly. These are the highlights of my current life. I could go into more detail of Patti and Drew, but they are in my life now and will be expounded upon in the future, whereas there is not much else to the stories of Jennie or Amie; I ask that you forgive my haphazard fastforwarding of my life thus far with them, for I am certain I will talk about them in the future in detail.

A little about me..

2008-01-08T14:05:00.000-05:00

I have no friends on blogger at the time of this (first) post; I expect no traffic. If you come across this and like it, leave a comment.

I have been married 5 years to a very wonderful woman, Patti, and have an amazing 4-year-old son, Andrew. We live about halfway between Dayton and Cincinnati, Ohio. My wife works for the county recorder (who is also our neighbor) and I work for a cable company in the area in the telemarketing/sales department.

I first fell in love with a girl named Jennie when I was sixteen; I met her at a youth group meeting and she really didn't want to be there. In fact, she really didn't want to have anything to do with anyone and was dragged along because her mom was a very devout woman, and her younger brother was interested and needed someone to go with him. So when I met her, she couldn't have been less interested in being there. She seemed kind of grouchy, and I made it a point to be her friend. After a week or two, we became casual acquaintences; we exchanged AOL screen names. About a month later, another friend was over checking out our internet connection (we had a faster modem than he did). Jennie popped on and IMed me, and my friend started flirting with her as a joke (he was kind of a dick, and what can I say? He was just trying to get my goat). He left in the middle of the conversation, and while I didn't actively continue flirting, I didn't deny that it was me either. Jennie sat next to me at church that week.

We started dating and went out for about a year. She was my first and I thought she was it for me. We started a journal together and passed it back and forth between meetings. That was actually what ended up tearing us apart. At one point, my mom found it and read it. We were very candid in it, thinking it to be for our eyes only, and my mom told me she would do whatever it takes to break us up. So I did it instead, knowing my mom and what she would probably do.

I didn't tell her until much much later why we broke up. I acted like a complete jackass for a few weeks so that she could see she was better off without me. It worked. I gave up on her afterward; I didn't try to remain friends with her at all. Later, (this time completely online) I met my first wife, Amie. Amie was from a small farmtown outside of Cincinnati (at this time, I lived right inside the city). I did not have my drivers license, and would not get it until I was 21, so she was tasked with all the driving for our dates. She was extremely pretty and had a very nice family. She had big ambitions and dreams to counteract mine (at the time, I thought maybe I wanted to be a preacher, but I wasn't entirely sure) and was a blast to be around. We dated through my senior year and worked together at the amusement park over the summer.

I had no job after senior year, and had no college prospects (I was smart enough for scholarships but had not applied myself and had only average grades, so I didn't bother applying). I needed a job and quick, and so I turned to the Navy. The Navy was extremely excited about enlisting someone who scored a 99 on the ASVAB, and I was excited to see what my possibilities were. Well, the Navy was less than thrilled to find out that I am colorblind, and talks of the Nuclear program faded, but I trudged on. I was offered, after in-processing, Ship's Serviceman (retail sales, laundry, and services), Machinist's Mate (read: mechanic), and another which I cannot remember. My grandfather talked me out of Machinist's Mate and so I took Ship's Serviceman.

About this time, I began to realize my mistake with Jennie. I befriended her again before my shipoff date, but she was always a bit distant. I shipped off and did moderately okay during boot camp (I didn't sob, thank God). During boot camp, you get the chance to talk to a career counsellor, and I relayed to him that I was having difficulty with my choice of rate(job) and felt that my brain could be put to better use elsewhere. The counsellor looked for higher requirement rates and the only job he came up with he could not describe, so I decided to play it safe and keep what I had, as I knew what it entailed. I would come to regret that decision.

During boot camp, I wrote Jennie and Amie both. I was trying to stay friends with Jennie, because deep inside I still loved her and I did not want her to be out of my life completely, but I knew that I would never have a chance with her romantically again. Of my thirteen letters to her, not one garnered a response. Meanwhile, I conversed with Amie in mail and in phone calls. I was released from boot camp in November to go straight to trade school in Meridian, Mississippi. Three months there and I was homebound, marrying Amie on January 4th, 1999. I was eighteen, she was seventeen and needed permission from her mom first. I was under the impression that even though I was going overseas, if I was married she would be sponsored to come with me after I requested it. I was wrong. Later, this would play an important role in her death...